Thursday, March
18th, 2004
In Today's Tribune
Today's edition is going to
be the last one for this week. I think that this is going to be the
standard from now on. No more Friday editions unless something earth
shattering comes up and it's absolutely necessary for me to get out
of bed for.
Note to Taiyo: Next time you
send me 10 St. Patrick's day jokes, try to send them BEFORE I do the
webpage. Thanks.
Here's today's tidbits
Born on March 18th
Devin Lima
(1977)
Queen Latifah
(1970)
Bonnie Blair
(1964)
Vanessa Williams
(1963)
Irene Cara
(1959)
Wilson Pickett
(1941)
Charlie Pride
(1938)
F.W. deKlerk
(1936)
John Updike
(1932)
George Plimpton
(1927)
Peter Graves
(1926)
Edward Everett Horton
(1886)
Grover Cleveland
(1837)
Cold
Turkey
A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and
finds her husband in bed with a lady midget.
Upset and furious over his actions,
the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks
ago that you would never cheat on me again!"
Trying his best to calm her down, the husband
turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear,
Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?""
What
is the Daily Buzzword for March 18th?
hinder
\HIN-der\ verb
What does it mean?
1 : to make slow or difficult : hamper
2 : to hold back : check
How do you use it?
Poor soil will hinder the growth of the plants, so Barbara
fertilizes her garden regularly.
Are you a word wiz?
There is more than one way to slow things down, but don't
let that hinder you from finding a synonym for today's
Buzzword in the list below.
A. impede
B. import
C. imitate
D. immerse
Answer:
"Hinder," "impede," "obstruct," and "block" all suggest
interfering with progress or with an activity. Use "hinder"
to stress delaying progress in a harmful or annoying way (as
in, "the heavy rain hindered the climb"). Choose "impede" to
imply making progress difficult by clogging or hampering (as
in, "tight clothing impedes movement"). Pick "obstruct" to
suggest interfering with progress caused by physical barriers
or obstacles placed in the way (as in, "billboards obstructed
most of the view"). Go with "block" to imply obstructing
passage or progress completely (as in, "a landslide blocked
the road").
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
CLICK HERE
SERN'S
FAKE ID
That's all for this week. Have a nice weekend.
The following is what appeared in Wednesday's edition.............
In Today's Tribune
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Here's today's tidbits
Born on March 17th
Caroline Corr
(1973)
Mia Hamm
(1972)
Rob Lowe
(1964)
Arye Gross
(1960)
Gary Sinise
(1955)
Kurt Russell
(1951)
Patrick Duffy
(1949)
John Sebastian
(1944)
Paul Kantner
(1941)
Rudolf Nureyev
(1938)
Nat "King" Cole
(1919)
Mercedes McCambridge
(1918)
Bobby Jones
(1902)
Shemp Howard
(1895)
Silvia Villalba
Irish
Priest and Rabbi
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found
themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the
priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your
religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever
tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on
the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He
asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate.
But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask.
I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then
the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said,
"Better than pork, isn't it?"
Don't Leave Home Without It.
Today’s Useless
Fact:
What is a fart and
why does it smell?
Ever pull someone's finger and hear a weird noise come out of his or
her butt?
Ever sit in a tub of water and see bubbles come out of your hiney?
This strange noise and vibrating sensation that came from your butt
is most likely caused by a fart.
A fart is a combination of gases
(nitrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, methane, and hydrogen sulfide)
that travels from a person's stomach to their anus. When a person
swallows too much air or eats foods that the human digestive system
cannot digest easily gas becomes trapped in his/her stomach. The
only way for this excess gas to exit the body is through the anus.
The gas that makes your farts stink is the hydrogen sulfide gas.
This gas contains sulfur which causes farts to have a smelly odor.
The more sulfur rich your diet, the more your farts will stink. Some
foods that cause really smelly farts include: beans, cabbage,
cheese, soda, and eggs.
A scientific name for a fart is flatus or flatulence.
The word fart is just one of many different terms used to describe
the release of gasses from the human body. Other popular names for
farts or farting include: gassers, stinkers, air biscuits, bombers,
barking spiders, rotten eggs, and wet ones. You can pass gas, break
wind, blast, beef, poof, rip one, let one fly, step on a duck, and
cut the cheese.
Farts can be stinky, wet, loud, or silent but deadly. Pee-eeew!!!
Did you know?
·
On the average, a healthy person farts 16 times a day.
·
Hey guys, don't be fooled by girls who tell you that they never
fart. Everyone farts, including girls. In fact, females fart just as
much as males.
·
Many animals fart too. Cats, dogs, and cows. Elephants fart the
most.
·
People fart the most in their sleep.
·
Farts that contain a large amount of methane & hydrogen can be
flammable.
What
is the Daily Buzzword for March 17th?
blarney
\BLAR-nee\ noun
What does it mean?
1 : skillful flattery : blandishment
2 : nonsense, humbug
How do you use it?
Patrick managed to talk his way out of trouble again
because as always Mrs. Shea was charmed by his blarney.
Are you a word wiz?
According to legend, the gift of blarney is bestowed upon
anyone who kisses something. What is it that must be kissed?
A. a purple dinosaur
B. a stone
C. a ring
D. a frog
Answer:
The village of Blarney in County Cork, Ireland, is home to
Blarney Castle. In the southern wall of the castle is the
famous Blarney Stone. Legend has it that the stone will
bestow skill in flattery on anyone who kisses it (which,
incidentally, requires the kisser to hang head downward to
be successful). Such skill is appropriately named "blarney"
after its source. Because flattery is often full of
falsehoods, "blarney" acquired a second meaning of
"nonsense."
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
CLICK HERE
SILVIA
& OJ
That's all for today. Tune in tomorrow for more stuff.
The following is what appeared in Tuesday's edition.............
In Today's Tribune
I want to thank
all you thoughtful, kind, caring people who sent me e-mail chain
letters in 2003. It’s because of you dear folks that:
*
I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for
removing toilet stains.
*
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle
infected with AIDS.
*
I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they
cause cancer.
*
I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and
sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
*
I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial
a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from Hell with calls to
Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.
*
I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they
contain may turn me gay.
*
I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are
nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers
that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonald's can sell their
Big Macs.
*
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will
get sick from the rat feces and urine.
*
I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account, a sick girl
that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny, that
girl, she's been 7 since 1993...
*
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I
participated in their special e-mail program.
*
My Ericcson
phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation
to Disneyland.
Send this to 385
people within the next 10 minutes or else your toilet will overflow
and cause thousands of dollars in damage to your home. Have a nice
day.
Here's today's tidbits
Born on March 16th
Kevin Tod Smith
(1963)
Erik Estrada
(1949)
Bernardo Bertolucci
(1940)
Jerry Lewis
(1926)
Pat Nixon
(1912)
Henny Youngman
(1906)
James Madison
(1751)
Blonde
Vs Truck Driver
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive
when she
accidentally cut off a truck driver.
He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his
truck and
pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the
blonde
"stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said
"Oh you
think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in
her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a broad smile on her face.
He is getting really mad.... so he gets his knife back out and
slices all
her tires. Now she's laughing hard.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his
truck
and gets a can of gas, pours it on
her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall
down.
"What's so funny?!!!!" the truck driver finally asks the blonde.
She replied sniggering, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped
outside
the circle!"
Mother-In-Law's Toilet paper
They Bad
What
is the Daily Buzzword for March 16th?
ideate
\EYE-dee-ayt\ verb
transitive sense :
to form an idea or conception of
intransitive sense :
to form an idea
Example sentence:
"Drawing on typically far-ranging and hands-on experience, designers
are prolific in ideating." (Mike Tennity, Design Management Journal,
Summer 2003)
Did you know?
Like "idea" and "ideal," "ideate" comes from the Greek verb "idein,"
which means "to see." The sight-thought connection came courtesy of
Plato, the Greek philosopher who based his theory of the ideal on
the concept of seeing, claiming that a true philosopher can see the
essential nature of things and can recognize their ideal form or
state. Early uses of "idea," "ideal," and "ideate" in English were
associated with Platonic philosophy; "idea" meant "an archetype" or
"a standard of perfection," "ideal" meant "existing as an
archetype," and "ideate" referred to forming Platonic ideas. But
though "ideate" is tied to ancient philosophy, the word itself is a
modern concoction, relatively speaking. It first appeared in English
only about 400 years ago.
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
CLICK HERE
THE
WATSONS
That's all for today. Tune in tomorrow for more stuff.
The following is what appeared in Monday's edition.............
In Today's Tribune
Happy Birthday Neen! Thanks
for being the caring sister that you are.
Wishing you all the very
best today and always.
Here's today's tidbits
Born on March 15th
Andrew Jackson
(1767)
Samuel "Lightnin'" Hopkins
(1912)
Macdonald Carey
(1913)
Harry James
(1916)
Judd Hirsch
(1935)
Phil Lesh
(1940)
Sly Stone
(1944)
Fabio
(1961)
Esther Aquino (?)
Celebrating Their Birthdays
Speeding
The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was
doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The man behind
the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he
exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the
asshole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's
passing through."
The 2nd In A Series Of Our
Commemorative Coins
Letter To Tech
Support
Dear Tech Support,
Last year, I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon
noticed that
the new program began expected child processing that took up a lot
of space
and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and
now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night
10.3,
Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my
favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall
doesn't
work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User,
This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people
upgrade
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a
Utilities and
Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is
designed by
its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend
7.0. It
is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the
system once
installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is
designed
not to allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".
I
recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate
software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command
before the
system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high
maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and
Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use
these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the
program Nag
Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance
of Wife
1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!!
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt
3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
The Solution To Plumber's
"Crack".
What
is the Daily Buzzword for March 15th?
prodigy
\PRAH-duh-jee\ noun
What does it mean?
1 : an amazing event or action : wonder
2 : an unusually talented child
How do you use it?
Musical audiences are fascinated by the prodigy, that rare
and remarkable youngster who possesses technical mastery to
rival that of the best adult performers.
Are you a word wiz?
The word "prodigy" comes from the Latin word "prodigium."
You don't have to be a prodigy to guess what "prodigium"
means, but you do have to think hard. Which of the answers do
you think correctly gives the meaning of "prodigium"?
A. amazement
B. genius
C. action
D. monster
Answer:
Is a prodigy a genius or a monster -- or both? Nowadays,
it's the talent that shines through, but back in the 1400s
the word's meaning was more strongly influenced by that of
its Latin ancestor, "prodigium," meaning "omen" or "monster."
Back then, a prodigy could be any strange or weird thing that
might be an omen of things to come. Even in modern English,
the word sometimes refers to an extraordinary deed or
accomplishment. Mark Twain used that sense when he wrote
about reading the stories of King Arthur and how he "fed at
its rich feast of prodigies and adventures. . . ."
Today's Jigsaw
puzzle
CLICK HERE
AT
CHARLEY BROWNS
That's all for today. Tune in tomorrow for more stuff.
